Marriage in Crisis: finding hope and growth
Many couples come to me in moments of crisis—whether it's the aftermath of infidelity or years of unresolved issues weighing the relationship down. While painful, crisis can serve as a powerful catalyst for change. This tipping point, known as "critical mass," is when the reality sets in: something must shift, or the marriage cannot continue as it has. Though uncomfortable, critical mass presents an opportunity—the start of meaningful growth.
Moving Forward
In my sessions, I often share the metaphor of a bicycle. Imagine one spouse as the front wheel, carrying most of the load and propelling the marriage forward. The hope is that, eventually, the back wheel—the other partner—engages and shares in the work. A functioning bicycle needs both wheels turning in sync. If you're the front wheel doing all the work, it's natural to feel resentment or exhaustion. However, focusing on your own efforts and allowing yourself to carry more for a time is okay. With patience, the back wheel often catches up. Sometimes, one person does the heavy lifting alone temporarily—and that itself can initiate change within the marriage. It's not a permanent solution, but for a time, it's okay.
What Does "Doing the Work" Mean?
Healing starts with becoming a more grounded and regulated individual. Drawing from Dr. David Schnarch’s ideas, a thriving marriage is rooted in personal balance. Four fundamental practices pave the way:
Developing a solid, yet flexible sense of self
Cultivating a quiet mind and calm heart
Responding from a grounded place
Building meaningful endurance
When you embody these qualities, you invite your spouse into a healthier way of relating. Change begins with you; your transformation encourages your partner to step up as well.
Walking the Path of Healing
When crisis hits, hope for a healthy marriage may seem out of reach. But it's possible—with commitment and hard work. Act quickly to seek therapy and reach out to your community, even if it means building community from scratch. Show up for yourself, whatever that might look like. Avoid blame—instead, invite growth as a shared journey. Release the urge to fix your spouse; let your own change—and the natural pressure it creates within the relationship—drive transformation.
The Power of Slowing Down
Viktor Frankl wisely observed: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” In a marriage crisis, slowing down and expanding that space—pausing before reacting—is vital. Take a breath, allow your body and mind to regulate, then choose your response intentionally. This practice cultivates growth, freedom, and ultimately, healing.
Change in marriage doesn’t begin with the crisis alone—it begins with how you respond to it. Each step forward is progress, and every moment of patience, self-reflection, and connection brings hope closer within reach.
Off to College: Navigating Family Structure Changes
Our oldest just launched into college, and as the first of five children, her absence has brought some big changes to our household. Being the oldest, she held a significant role in our daily rhythm—both practically and relationally.
High school seniors often spend much of their last year outside the home, which does ease the transition a little. But no matter how you prepare, when move-in day arrives, the shift is immediately felt by everyone in the family.
As we’ve walked through this season, I’ve noticed a few things about the ripple effect on the family—especially among siblings. While parents usually anticipate what’s coming and have been preparing emotionally over time, younger siblings are often caught off guard. For them, it can feel like a sudden loss. Here are a few ways to help care for your other children when one heads off to college.
1. Name the Losses
As parents, we’ve had the college countdown marked on the calendar for months. Our kids? Not so much. In fact, most kids in the summer don’t know what day it is, let alone how many days remain before a sibling moves out.
Help them become aware of the timeline. A wall calendar, a visual countdown, or even regular reminders can prepare their hearts for the transition. With younger children especially, repeating the plan is helpful: “Sister and I are driving to college on this day. You’ll start school the next day.”Giving them advance notice provides time to process what’s coming rather than being blindsided.
2. Talk About the Family Structure Changes
The dinner table feels different with one chair empty. There’s one less driver in the house, one less voice in daily conversations, and possibly one less helper with chores. For us, when our oldest left, it even meant a change in our after-dinner cleanup routine—something that was surprisingly hard on our youngest child. She now had to do chores!
Even bedrooms shift. Maybe a child now has their own space, or perhaps you convert that newly empty room into something else. Whatever the change, talk about it openly as a family. Acknowledging both the losses and the opportunities helps everyone adjust. Some transitions will be smooth, and others might feel uncomfortable for a while—and that’s okay.
3. Facilitate Ongoing Relationships
Siblings are used to daily contact—whether as playmates, companions, or even sparring partners. When that suddenly disappears, it can leave a gap. Encourage one-on-one communication between siblings who are now apart.
For older kids with phones, suggest calls or texts to stay connected. For younger children who don’t have devices, help them set up video calls or even good old-fashioned “pen pal” letters. Scheduling small, intentional moments of connection keeps those sibling bonds strong and helps ease the feelings of distance.
Final Thoughts
Sending a child to college is an emotional milestone for parents, but it’s often just as impactful—sometimes even more so—for siblings. Younger children may not yet have the language to name what they’re feeling, and that’s where we, as parents, can guide them.
Sibling relationships can be among the most life-giving connections we experience. With a little intentionality, we can help our children not only adjust to the changes but also discover new ways to grow closer to each other, even across the miles.
The Music that shapes us
It all begins with an idea.
This article was originally published online here.
My husband loves music. In fact, before he became a pastor, he was a full-time musician. Our home is filled with music most of the time. We have this little dance we do when people come over. He picks out a playlist and turns up the music, then after a time I come by and turn it down because it’s too loud for background music. A little while later he comes by and turns it up again. And on and on we go throughout the night, never even realizing the other one is turning the music up or down. It’s quite comical.
Background Noise of Shame
As we’ve counseled people over the years, we often refer to the negative stories we tell ourselves as “background noise”. In my private practice, I encourage my clients to listen to those stories—to notice if what they are listening to is background noise or background music. Is it a noise that grates and irritates and keeps them from engaging or is it music that stimulates and encourages and delights?
While we were in seminary I began dealing with intense anxiety and panic attacks. The constant story I told myself was that I was “going crazy.” In other times of my life, my background noise was a constant reminder that I was fat or my hips were too wide or that my clothes weren’t right. Current untrue stories I sometimes tell myself are that I’m not a good mom or I’m a failure as a wife. Such background noise is destructive, and it’s just quiet enough that we don’t notice it’s even there. And that’s where the danger lies. We tell ourselves these things without even knowing it.
What stories are you telling yourself? If you quieted your soul, what whispers would you hear?
Dr. Kelly Flanagan, a clinical psychologist, says there is no identify formation, only identity excavation. What he means is, God has made us a certain way and we need to chip away to find our true self. Because we are made in the image of God, each of us has our own way that we express God’s glory. Our shame stories that we tell ourselves keep us from uncovering the way we uniquely reflect who God is. Excavation needs to happen; we call the process sanctification.
Music Shaped in Community
In my counseling practice, much time is spent with clients helping them learn to hear what their “background noise” or shame stories are, and what true music they need to play in their heads instead. But more important than the counseling room is our church community. In community, we gospel together. We share our brokenness and others speak back truth to us. Having someone hear your story, look you in the eye, and love you anyway is the way back to freedom. In the midst of community is where you will find tangible evidence of the gospel of Grace. This is light shining into the shadows. Living in community is the way we combat the background noise that shapes how we live. If we aren’t hiding, like Adam and Eve did, then shame has no power.
Taking those first steps into honest and true community is sometimes scary. Taking the first step could mean signing up for a community group, or maybe sharing honestly with some friends; it could even be sharing some of your background noise with a spouse or trusted friend. Taking those first steps can feel like stepping off a cliff but once you do, you’ll find freedom.
In daily life we need our people. We need our people to reflect back to us not only how we image God In a particular way, but we need them to teach us new songs to sing. We cannot do that in isolation. We need the beauty of the body to sing songs of truth for us when all we hear is background noise. We need the body to sing melodies of truth over our hearts when that noise overtakes us. We also need to do the same for others. We can take the true music we are learning and sing it to those around us.
Breaking free from our shame stories is hard work, but it’s a work God loves to bless.
Singing New Songs
Begin to dream about turning your background noise—your shame stories—into music. The first thing you need to do is pay attention. Begin to quiet your heart throughout the day and listen to that small voice speaking shame stories into your soul. What is it saying? “I let my kids watch too much tv today, I must be a bad mom.” “Nobody seems to care if I’m around, I’m worthless.” “I can’t stop myself from yelling, I wonder if I’m a real Christian.” “I wish my stomach didn’t have all these stretch marks.” “I will never be good enough.” These stories are untrue and contrary to what God thinks of you. Once you identify your background noise, you can speak Gospel truth over it. You are God’s beloved. You image God. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God has not abandoned you.
What could the background music in my life and in your life look like? Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” God delights in you! The God who made the heavens and the earth, the sea and everything in it, that One, He delights in you. This, sisters, this should be the story we tell ourselves. This story can be running in our thoughts throughout our days. The long days of working, raising children, and the million loads of laundry. Let this be our background music to those days. We are worthy, we are enough, we are adored. You are made uniquely to display God’s glory. Grab hold of that story and let it be the song you sing
